Senator Stevens: Idiot for Hire

No no no God damn it. Republicans, my friends, get a clue. We are on the edge of a revolution in this country and across the globe. We are launching changes that are propelling the world into a new era of freedom and democracy. We are trying to reform our own institutions to promote ownership and freedom from government.

And yet, the best the religious wing of my party can offer is some douchebag Senator who wants to extend FCC censorship to pay cable channels.

I will put it as clearly as I can -- in case the old dingbat Senator cannot understand it. This is not why we elected you. We elected you to cut taxes, fix the entitlements, and kill terrorists -- and not in that order. That's it. No one elected you to make sure that some busybody housewife in Ames, Iowa isn't offended because Bart Simpson said "shit" or whatever the outrage du jour is this week.

And if the rest of my Republican friends won't tell her I will -- None of this crap means anything if, in 20 years, our old people have no retirement funds and the terrorists have melted Chicago. Got it? Janet Jackson's half-nipple is nothing compared to suitcase nukes and full Social Security collapse. Priorities, people.

Further, if you push this moralistic crap into law, we the people will push you out of office. Then, there is no medicare fix, no social security fix, no tax cuts, no anything -- other than a big steaming pile of Barbara Boxer and an intolerably drunk Ted Kennedy, crooning out "These are the Days" by the 10,000 Maniacs.

What is this-- some political suicide-by-cop? We finally get everything in order for some serious reform and the puritans start up with the amens and the preaching and the "God Hates Fags" and every other stereotype we wish you wouldn't fulfill?

Frankly, I'm tired of having to do the Chris Rock, blacks vs n-word routine everytime politics comes up. "Who me, no, I'm not one of those Republicans." Stop it. STOP IT. You're not the majority anywhere north of Kentucky or west of Texas, except, perhaps, Grand Rapids. Everywhere else you are the unloved, unwanted middle child of the GOP. We're stuck with you because you're half-right -- i.e. you support smaller government when it comes to fiscal matters. But you're also half-wrong -- i.e. you stick your beak into everyone's business.

If a woman wants to zap the sixteen dividing cells in her womb -- it's none of your business. It's a difficult enough decision to make without some drooling un-a-womber stalking the doctor's office.

If a couple of my friends decide that they're willing to commit to each other, who gives a crap if they're both guys? Love is hard enough to find in this world -- why make it any harder for people to keep that which they've found? You don't like it? Don't do it. But don't trash someone else's life because you're too insecure to deal with your own.

Also, I certainly don't need some asshat counting the number of allowable nipple shots on the series finale of The Sopranos. As an adult, I am more than capable of determining whether or not a program is suitable for my viewing pleasure. Also, please read the First Amendment -- it applies to more than your Bible and that classy, "Drinkers are Sinners" sandwich board your idiot friend Rick wears around college campuses.

And as a some-day parent, I am horrified by the thought that so many are willing to abdicate our most basic responsiblity -- the upbringing of our young -- to a government agency. You don't want your kid watching boobies on the boob tube? God -- even your miserable, spiteful version of a god -- created the remote control. (thank you, Jeff Jarvis) Use the damn thing. Magically, all the TV boobies go away if you're in the room supervising (aka parenting, parents).

Better yet, spend some time with your offspring doing something other than watching TV. Go burn a cross or protest an AIDS funeral or whatever you people do after church in Oklahoma.

Click the channel and move on. And for the love of god, knock it off. Howard Dean is bad enough when he loses. He becomes an unmitigated disaster if your halfwitted moral sensibilities bring his folks into power.